We don’t need protein in everything. Especially not soda

“Protein Diet Coke” is currently trending in Utah, thanks, apparently, to a video posted on TikTok and Instagram by Rebecca Gordon. In the video, Gordon gets a 32-ounce Diet Coke from a gas station fountain, a Core Power vanilla-flavored protein shake, and then pours the protein shake into the Diet Coke, takes a sip, and smiles beatifically.
The comments on both the Instagram video (which has thousands of comments and likes) and the TikTok video (which has 2 million views) range from “I need to try this immediately” to “This is disgusting.” I personally felt both of those sentiments at once. I was nauseated by the prospect of adding anything dairy-based to my Diet Coke and anxious at the prospect of not being on the cutting edge of my state’s latest soda innovation.
For reasons I don’t completely understand, protein is having a real moment in 2024. Every other video on my social feeds is of someone putting cottage cheese in foods where it absolutely does not belong — like pizza crust and cookie dough — in order to increase the protein content. I even watched someone make a cottage-cheese tortilla and had a few moments where I genuinely considered tossing my phone in a river and living the rest of my days off the grid in the woods just to never have to witness something so culinarily offensive ever again.
The Harvard School of Public Health reports that the National Academy of Medicine recommends 7 grams of protein for every 20 pounds of body weight. That means someone weighing 140 pounds needs around 50 grams of protein, and someone weighing 200 pounds needs around 70 grams. A single chicken breast contains 32 grams of protein. So I find it hard to believe that the average American is lacking in protein.
Content creators, however, announce the grams of protein in any given food or beverage as if those protein particles are rare treasures that can be exchanged for cash. They throw around the term “macros” like any of the rest of us have a clue what that means. As a result, impressionable followers are purchasing protein-forward products like they’re Beanie Babies in the ‘90s. The current popularity of protein might possibly be explained because we’re encouraged to consume it, rather than restrict it, in order to lose weight. But I believe it is still a craze and will eventually fade, as all food crazes do. RIP, Paleo and South Beach.
So I’m not interested in the protein discourse. But I am interested in all things Diet Coke-related, so I had to try the protein Diet Coke for myself.
I drove to my nearest gas station and purchased a Core Power vanilla milkshake — for more than five dollars! — with a whopping 26 grams of protein, to mix with a can of Diet Coke I had at home. I gagged a little mixing the two substances together, but that’s mostly because of a personal problem with dairy. Milk as a concept grosses me out, and I’ve been known to abandon a milkshake mid-sip when I remember there’s milk in it. But, to my surprise, the beverage started out pleasant enough. Though it did not stay that way.
I think my mistake was mixing the two liquids in a transparent glass. The resulting potion was a sickly gray color. But it produced an appealing foam at the surface, much like the foam on a root beer float.
It tasted like a float, too. Not as delicious, obviously — because a protein shake is not the same thing as ice cream, as much as we’d like to pretend it is — but still pretty good. Better than I was expecting. I enjoyed a few sips, congratulated myself for getting some extra protein in — even though I still don’t understand why that matters — and then walked away. When I returned, I was revolted by what I saw. A layer of brown sediment had settled at the bottom of the glass, and brown particles floated through yellowish liquid, like a wildly unappetizing lava lamp.
The longer the concoction sat, the more stratified it became. Its final form appeared to be a discolored layer of coagulated milk fat at the bottom, a pale yellow liquid at the center, and a puce foam clinging to the sides of the glass at the top. It was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen.
So as for me and my beverages, we’ll be abstaining from this latest soda trend and protein craze. But if you insist that your soda needs a protein boost, or you just can’t handle the fear of missing out, I suggest imbibing your protein Diet Coke from a Styrofoam cup or other nontransparent vessel lest you catch a glimpse of the horrors within and swear off soda and protein forever.